Who is hiding behind that fat and why?

The book titled A Course In Weight Loss by Marrianne Williamson has been a revelation. I did not know I was hiding behind this coat of fat.

As a person in her 20s, I was more or less okay as far as my weight was concerned. I had a lot of admirers too, people who would send me surreptitious notes etc. But having studied in a convent school, I hardly thought of engaging in an affair with anyone.

Yes, I was a poet, writer and a diehard romantic at that time even but my affairs always existed in my writing and reading. I was terrified of bringing them to the real world. During my marriage too, I was ridiculed for being broad shouldered, etc and constantly compared to my petite mother-in-law. The sex was also some sort of a judgement or a favour that was bestowed upon me depending on the mood of my husband. When I got out of my marriage, somewhere, I was terrified of risking my heart and body again. I sought my solace and refuge in food because eating gave me a sense of self and also helped me to eat these feelings.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But I saw my beauty through the eyes of others who constantly either judged me or criticized me or made passes at me. So what does one do when both men and women attack you from all sides? You don a thick armour of fat. You protect your real self by wearing a shell like a tortoise.

So many women choose this mode of survival instead of the constant ogling or criticism or the threat that they face from others. They choose to disappear behind the fat and blend into the surroundings rather than stand out in their own magnificence. Some wear big spectacles, others dress up shabbily and some just eat.

Today, on this journey to claim my own body back , I realize, my beauty lies in my own eyes. I am the one I need to listen to. I no longer need approval from anyone to be the real me. I no longer have to wear that coat of invisibility and hide the real me! My body is not meant to be a receptor for others expectations. I no longer need to carry that burden. I choose to be free!